I tend to be very critical of myself; in my mind, my many flaws and shortcomings completely overpower any positive trait that I may possess. Over the last few weeks, this has begun to greatly hinder my role as a mother. All I can see are the many ways that I have messed up and the innumerable times that I haven’t known the right way to respond. I’ve been completely overwhelmed by feelings of both inadequacy and of failure, which lead me to berate myself constantly for not being perfect. I see other moms around me who seem to have everything under control, who are never impatient, who always know exactly how to respond to their child’s misbehavior. In comparison, I am often frustrated and impatient, three steps behind in the housework, and at a loss for how to discipline a two year old.
Thankfully God is wise, patient, persistent, and doesn’t let my pig-headedness turn him away. I’ve been desperately hiding behind a wall of fear—fear that others will see that I am a fake, that I am an incompetent mother, wife, and woman—but God has been chipping away at that wall, reaching out with soft loving hands, waiting for me to turn to him and see myself through his eyes.
Last Sunday at church we had training for Vacation Bible School. Since I’m leading music, I got a CD of the songs and put it in my car, so I could listen while driving. As children’s songs often do, the songs from this CD have been stuck in my head all week. “I am who the Great I AM says I am. I am one of his great creations. He says that I am remarkably, wonderfully made! I am who He says I am.” At another place, it says, “I am exactly who He created me to be.” It took several days of hearing this song run through my head over and over and over and over before it started to sink in. I realized that this wasn’t just a silly children’s song and that God was speaking directly to me: “You are who I made you to be. You are remarkably and wonderfully made.”
One of the other VBS songs quotes Psalm 55:22, saying, “I will cast my cares on the Lord! I will trust in God no matter what, for I know he will never stop caring for me!” I remember thinking something along the lines of, “Oh that’s nice,” then going on with the craziness of life. Wednesday morning Steve and I read the morning devotion from Charles Spurgeon’s Morning and Evening and he used the same verse. It still took until later in the day for me to realize what this meant for my life. I can cast my cares on the Lord…I don’t need to worry about whether I use the exact right words to correct Mikayla when she throws her toys or whines. I don’t need to beat myself up if I feel overwhelmed; instead I need maintain a constant attitude of prayer. I can trust God to help me control my frustration. I can trust God to care for Mikayla even when I mess up. I can trust God to help me grow and to provide wisdom as I need it.
This morning at church, Josh (a graduating senior) said his favorite verse is Romans 12:1-2. Verse one says, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.” This got me thinking about what it means to be a living sacrifice. As Cary preached on “living to the glory of God,” I began to see my life from a different angle. I am in an amazing position to serve God and others! At home I can serve and love my husband by taking care of his needs so that he can do the work he needs to do for school. I can be an encouragement to him as he pours himself into learning. I can serve and love my daughter by teaching her about God, by caring for her needs joyfully, by taking time each day to focus on her and simply enjoy her presence, and by being consistent and diligent in disciplining/training her. At work, I can serve and love Madison and Gabriel in much the same way. I can also love their parents, Steven and Ashley, by joyfully taking care of things around the house for them. My job as a nanny can be much more than a job; it can be an opportunity to live as a sacrifice for God.
I realize that none of this takes away the frustrations of caring for three toddlers or the seemingly never ending cycle of housework, both things that tend to get me down and lead me into the habit of self-criticism. But what these revelations mean for me is a new perspective. My life is not about ME. I am here as God’s witness to the world. As cliché as it sounds, I am here to be His hands and feet. Whether I am perfect or not is irrelevant. I am exactly where God wants me and I am exactly who he made me to be. I will constantly strive to become more like him, but God’s grace wipes away the stains from where I fall short. When I’m overwhelmed by the amount of work that lies in front of me, I need to think of it in relation to eternity. I have a meager 80ish years to serve the people around me here on earth, followed by an infinite number years of rest and praising God in Heaven. So why not work my butt off for God’s kingdom while I’m here? I will fall short and I will make mistakes, but if I stay focused, prayerful, and praiseful, my life can be a testimony of God’s greatness.
I am sharing this with you all so that you can hold me accountable in this. No more living a life of fear and criticism while hiding behind a wall of fake perfection. I am living my life as a sacrifice to God. I am serving Him with every moment and trusting Him to lead and guide me to where he wants and who he wants me to be. “To God be the glory forever and ever. Amen”
